Archive for the ‘Side Effects’ Category

When A Man Pulls Out

April 29, 2008

I try, I really fucking do.  I like to imagine myself as this sexually liberal, uninhibited, unemotional, sex addict.  I know…most of those things are desirable personality traits, but remember we’re talking about me, the guy who romanticizes mental illness.  Out of all of those qualities I possess 2.5 of them.  At this point, I’m pretty sure I could get a diagnosis for sexual addiction (not that I’m planning on going to group therapy anytime soon), and sexual liberty and inhibition are no huge hurtles either.  But emotional attachment is kicking my ass.

I’ve known Sea Man for all of a week now, and I’m already getting bothered by how hard it is to see him.  Now, I’m not sure if I said that he was a very recent divorcee and a father.  Being with his kid sucks up a lot of his time.  I don’t hold spending time with his family against him, but when we can’t be together because he’s to terrified to have me be seen entering his hotel room, I feel a little lousy.

I’m 18 and out.  He’s 35.  To me that says something.  He can say he “admires my courage”, but inside I quietly resent him.  How can you work for a government that wouldn’t want you if they knew what you did behind closed doors.  They don’t care if a man wants to give his wife a rimjob, but he better not stick his tongue in a man’s ass.

It’s for this reason (among others) that I no longer (intentionally) sleep with married men.  I don’t like fucking someone I don’t respect.  This should be an open-shut case.  But it’s not.

There was something about the way he held me.  The way he made me feel so secure.  That’s not something I get often, and now I feel like he’s taking that away from me.  I told him from the beginning that I wasn’t looking for a casual sex partner.  I told him I was looking for a friend with benefits, but that the friendship was the more important part.

I know that I have a problem with putting to much in people.  It’s not even Sea Man that I’m so infatuated with; it’s what he represents to me.  He represents that archetype of a the strong, brave, handsome man who is always there when you need him to save the day.  A knight in shining armor.

But now, without seeing him, I feel like I always do when a man pulls out.  Empty.

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