Posts Tagged ‘love’

Sea Man

April 24, 2008

My greatest fault is my ability to fall in love. On a whim I can conjure all the necessary hormones to create the feelings of euphoria, security, and intimacy. But once the chemical reaction starts, it can’t stop.

I met him Saturday night. We drove up onto a concrete slab where someone’s home used to be. We talked for a while. Coyly and almost unintentionally I would hang my head while listening to his deep, southern inflected voice, only to peer up over the brim of my glasses and tempt him with a smirk.

In these moments I, the seducer, often become the seduced.

Later the heat from the friction of our bodies fogged up the windows, and I felt oh-so-much like Rose DeWitt Bukater. It’s the only time in my memory that I felt honestly secure while having sex. It’s trite, but the notion of being wrapped up in the arms of a strong man has always appealed to me.

I met him again last night, and he sneaked me into his hotel room. After I took my medication we lied there in the bed together and talked. He said he wasn’t out and that it had a lot to do with his recent divorce. I pressured him and eventually he cracked. He’s military.

About the conversation that followed I’ll only say, I still don’t understand how a gay man can support a law that punishes him for something he can’t control under the disguise of protecting him. I take it back, I’ll say two things. For all those who may not realize, being closeted on a job is not the same as being gay on a job.

But I don’t care about his politics.

He told me he would go back to California soon. Back? I didn’t even know he was away. “Don’t get attached,” he said. “Don’t worry we can still have fun,” he said.

“I won’t,” I lied.

I know it’s only a fling, but at the mere suggestion of a time limit, the writer in me awoke. A tale of unrequited love. Two men (well one man and a boy) separated by distance and years. It could have been the oxytocin subsiding, but already I was missing what I haven’t even lost. And admittedly, it turns me on to be in a relationship that won’t work out.